i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
