I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
