A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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