come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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