ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
