She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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