im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Someone shattered a urinal.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
