you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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