everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
