i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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