Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
