Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
