you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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