apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
