I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
