Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
