There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Randomize
