I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
