Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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