my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
