We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Another day, another engagement, another cat
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize