there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
