Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Your dad touched me again.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
that's an acceptable place to lick
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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