If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Someone came in the potted fern
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
