That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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