I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
