Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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