His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Pants are for mortals
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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