I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
