I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
This baby is an asshole
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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