Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize