areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
