when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
