i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize