drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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