i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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