Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
