this beer tastes like vomit already
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
