if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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