I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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