Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
