haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
