my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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