I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
