that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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