just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
