please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
