The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize