kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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