I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
