i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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