Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
