Yo dont text me then not text me
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
