found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
