Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
