She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
