You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
