Michael Bay diarrhea
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize