I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
