He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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