so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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