i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize