3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
