im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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