it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
