"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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