I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize