You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize