Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
