I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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