I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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